My Story: Mental Health Crisis (Part 2)

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Curly haired woman in a black sweater hugging herself for comfort

Hello and thanks for coming back. I am honored that you still want to hear my story so thank you. It is full of true-life lessons that God has really worked hard to teach me.

I ended the last podcast talking about me going to my residential treatment facility to help my severe depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and marital problems. I will be talking about that, how life went when I got home for a bit afterward. It was hard to accept it but I was never going to get better unless I took it head-on. Healing comes in layers.

After a lot of anxiety and difficult goodbyes to my kids and husband, I went to the center towards the end of September of 2020. It was a hard 2020 for me obviously, like many other people. It was an even more difficult goodbye because I would not be allowed visits from them the whole time I would be there because of Covid. As a mother, it almost tore me apart. I would miss them so much. They are my babies. I am always around them. My first job is ALWAYS to be a stay-at-home mom and attend to their needs.

The only thing that got me through was a clear vision that God implanted in my mind after much prayer. It was my “Why”. The vision of me getting better so that I CAN be a better mom for them. I HAD to do this for myself. One month for me to heal is little compared to a lifetime of finally feeling better.

It was pretty scary to be there at first. The home was nice and was only 30 mins away in Sandy, UT. There were about 14 other people living there and it was co-ed. I had a roommate, a group session I had to go to, and 3x a week of therapy. We only had 1-2 outings per week because of Covid. I made some good friends and then there were a few people I tried to steer clear from.

Everyone else there was there for some form of addiction, alcohol, drugs, or both. It was isolating. I knew going into it, that it would be this way. There is no such thing as rehab for only the mental illness in my area and under my insurance. But when they accepted me, they said that they could definitely help me. Because after all, addiction ALWAYS has mental illness involved.

Every day, I got up. I went to classes. I showed up. I worked my butt off honestly! It is hard work going to a place like that! You are so emotionally exhausted and they keep you on a strict schedule. I knew I had to make it worth my time. I had kids, a husband and it cost lots of money. My wonderful husband was so stressed trying to hold everything together.

I met a man named Mike there. The wisest one there by far. People ranged from 20-60s. He was the oldest one there but I loved him dearly. There is something about going through hard things together and you have no choice but to rely on each other. He retired last year and struggled to go through that transition without turning to alcohol all the time. It became a big problem and his wife gave him the ultimatum that he HAD to go to Rehab. But overall, he was such a good man. Good dad, grandpa, and kind to everyone he talks to. We had many great conversations as we talked up and down just the little road we were allowed to walk on next to the house.

I learned so much there. We dove deeper into lessons I have tried before but now, my heart was more ready for them. Things like vulnerability, fear, goals, self-talk, self-care, boundaries, communication, and many more. My husband and I got some therapy and talked about hard things on the phone for hours too. Trying to get things better.

However, I failed to mention that the company was going through some major stress at the time. They were functioning but it still seeped through the cracks to us patients who were hoping for better care. The employees were stressed out and not as emotionally available to us, they were understaffed and I felt like a burden to them sometimes. And it didn’t help that some of the other patients there were belligerent and there were a couple of verbal fights that changed the entire mood of the house. It made it unbearable to live there but I had to stay.

Until I realized that it was all too much for me. AND that I felt like I learned what I needed to learn. I did get some good therapy, connected with some people there, learned tools and the new medication they prescribed to me was working. So a couple of weeks into it, I decided that it was time for me to leave. Time is of the essence, especially when I have a family on the line. And I figured, if I marched myself into that place and paid for it, I could march myself out. It is a free country, after all, I thought to myself.

Until I learned about the phrase, Against Medical Advice or AMA. This word was going to haunt me for what seemed like an eternity. It was becoming so unbearable for me to live there. The people were so difficult, I was incredibly homesick and I could tell I had exhausted the resources that I needed. I went to the people in charge of sending me home and they kept giving me a firm no. Of course, I could walk out. But here is the thing, if I walk out “Against Medical Advice”, they are not going to send it to the insurance to cover it because they don’t believe I was well enough yet. I was not going to leave and be stuck with a several thousand dollar bill.

Yes, I still needed to get better but I was well enough on my feet to go home. I was starting to feel more depressed being there. The evil that was in the house was tangible sometimes. The movies people would watch, the f-bomb in every sentence. And I was so homesick that it made me feel physically sick. I was binging on food late at night in the community kitchen, hoping that no one would see me. I was looking for any hope and food gave me that sometimes. I prayed to God every day and made efforts to study the scriptures every day. I knew better days had to come.

Then, it got worse when I thought it couldn’t. I woke up one day completely miserable, coughing, and a fever. I wasn’t sure what it was. But I was still just so depressed, I just thought that it was my physical body just shutting down as I have seen it happen in the past when I am under severe stress. But then I lost my sense of taste and smell. Oh Boy. Yes, I had Covid. I noticed that my therapist was under the weather that week before too. So that whole house started freaking out. We all got tested and a few of us had it.

But off to our rooms, we go. We had to be quarantined! They still wanted us to stay there and get our treatment through Zoom. I thought to myself, are you kidding?? I am NOT going to be quarantined while I am already quarantined. Rehab is already a quarantine experience, but to then be banished to my room and not let me go home unless I do it under AMA?? They were clearly not in my best interest. I am going to be worse off if I am in a strange room all day by myself away from home while I am sick. To say the least, my husband was furious and was calling as often as he could.

I was on day 2 of quarantine and I woke up thinking, I am going to make the best of this somehow. I will NOT be a victim. There has to be a reason for this and God will lead me. I woke up and did a little youtube workout in my room, read my scriptures, and watched some comedy. Then I went to my closet to pray. Little did I know that this prayer was going to change my life and be one of the prayers I will never forget.

I meditated for a while before with soft music and the lights off. Then I started to kneel and get ready to pray. As I thought about what to say, an overwhelming feeling came over me that I need to only pray in GRATITUDE. I heeded the prompting and started to see in my mind’s eye everything that I had been given as if it was in a movie. I saw beautiful memories of me as a child walking on a beach in Mexico when my grandparents took me there for a vacation. I saw myself going to the movies with some girlfriends of mine in high school. I saw myself holding my first baby in my arms for the first time. I saw the faces of each member of my family. I was FILLED with love and gratitude. I felt hope. I felt so indebted to God for this wonderful life I have.

For a moment in time, my mind was cleared of my depression and I was able to see so much. I got up and still did what I could for the rest of the day in my room by myself. That night, I decided to be brave again and demand that I leave without AMA. I was able to finally talk to someone that could clearly understand that this was not a good situation. She was kind and knew some of my stories. She was a mother too and understood me. She was my answer to prayer. She finally signed the paperwork and filed it to the company that I could leave without that huge bill. Within just 1 hour, my life changed and I was able to go back home. I called my husband and just cried. I said, “Hon, I am coming home!” He couldn’t believe it. He got in the car as soon as he could and picked me up at 9 pm. We held each other for a long time, even though I had Covid. It was a sweet reunion to see my family again.

It was a crazy experience for sure. Not what I hoped or expected. I don’t regret it. I followed the spirit and went with the best option at the time. But sometimes it doesn’t always get better. I had to spend that next month just healing from that experience. My medication was working and I had some tools to help to do the inner work as well.

November and December were a lot better for me and I was getting back on a normal routine. Of course, I still had hard days. Depression never goes away. But I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. My anxiety was still high as I had to go through holidays but I tried to set boundaries. But sometimes anxiety will just always be there for someone like me who is highly sensitive and having to raise kids. My husband and I would still have our major conflicts and we tried working through them. But When January Hit, things got bad again for me again. I thought to myself, “Ok it is January. This is usually a harder month for people. I am trying to check all the boxes of getting outside, taking more vitamin D, getting sleep, eating well, etc. But It was going on through the whole month. I was so tired and unhappy again. Having my meltdowns every other day. I knew it was a medication problem again. I was so grateful that I knew that within myself. I had been through this before and the spirit helped remind me.

I upped my medication and I started feeling a little better, and I was grateful. But I was still having a hard time. In a whole other category. I knew there was more.

Life is full of Layers.

A hard truth. Yes, last year was difficult for me and my depression is still there. But then life throws more at you.

I had to face myself yet again. I needed MORE help. And stop denying myself that I have eating disorders.

It will continue to cycle unless I get help.

My depression will continue to feed into those eating disorders. And vice versa.

And for any of you who have dealt with this personally or with a loved one, eating disorders are all-encompassing, demoralizing, and suffocating to one’s soul.

Next week, I will talk more about my story of my eating disorders. And how it led me to intuitive eating. I am honestly still in the thick of it and not healed. I am actually only at the beginning. I hope that as I share it, WHILE I am in it, it will help someone who is going through these things too. There is so much that I have learned in these experiences and it has totally changed the way I do coaching. If it weren’t for these hard times, I would have never been led to Intuitive Eating and how healing of a modality it is.

And now I feel so strongly about it that it is part of my coaching program. As I take things slowly with work, life and family, I know I will be healed and have happier days ahead of me. And I hope the same for you too sister. Thank you for listening. And as always, if you want to have a free session with me, please click the link in the description to schedule that. I would love to help in any way. There is no pressure and it is an honor to help in any way I can. I hope you have a great day and I will see you next week.

Intuitive Eating Breakthrough Session

You may feel overwhelmed about where to even start with your health or are stuck in some pretty deep habits. As a follower of Christ, you want to have the energy to serve others more but you feel held back by your current mindset of diet culture and mental health.

But as a fellow woman in this faith that truly understands the inner turmoil and a certified health and life coach, I can safely say there is hope. There is a way to break free, and with my free Intuitive Eating Breakthrough Session, I can help. With our Master Healer, the Intuitive Eating principles, and eternal gospel doctrine, there is a way.

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